A Confession

I’ve known you almost as long as I’ve worked there. We disliked each other before you came back, before we met. They apparently complained to you about me, but you’d never tell me about what specifically. And I hated how much they praised you and cried when everyone said you’d never be back. I hated how you were the star associate when you were the one on leave pending an investigation. How perfect could you be when you were allegedly dealing in the parking lot?

When we did meet, you hated me. I questioned you. You were livid that someone, some new hire who had been working there for mere months compared to your years, would dare second guess you, the number one associate, the source of knowledge. I’ve always said I’d never question you again when you were proven right, but I really question you on the daily.

We’re both magnetic, charming, sociable, flirtatious. It was inevitable that we grew close, maybe closer than you ever intended. In time, you became a manager and a figure of power. That was appealing. Something about me must have appealed to you, because I could get away with spending an hour just talking to you. I’d like to think I was an exception, not a rule.

But you were always closer to someone else. I was never your favorite, your star associate, your right-hand-man, your go-to. But you were always mine. You’re still, to this day, my second favorite person in that store, right behind my cousin, the little mini-me that she is.

Then she came. She has the same name as me and that sent me spiraling. She’d be the newer, more improved version, the one everyone loved and wanted to be near. My hating her pushed her towards you. I regret nothing more in my entire life.

And you chose her over me. That jealousy cost me you.

You mentored her, something everyone expected you to do for me. You blew air up my ass, saying you believed in me, that I could become something there, that I was worthy. But your actions spoke louder than words. They still do.

Then you fell in love with her, something no one expected to happen. But she treated you like shit, hurt you physically and emotionally. And she hated me, was jealous of me like I had been of her months prior. She would send me nasty messages. They would be particularly venomous after you told her some mean thing I said about her. Why would you do that? To hurt her and betray my trust?

You and I grew apart. She wedged herself in between us like a cancer, and that cancer spread. There have been remissions, but she is always there. You talk about me at home and that fuels her hatred. You act like you can’t talk to me anymore, like our friendship was wrong, like I was something to just discard, all the while telling me we’re fine and that I’m your star associate and we’re friends.

We’re friends, but you didn’t tell me you were having a child. Or a second one. You couldn’t tell me you were getting married. Were you afraid to tell me, either because I would have disapproved or because I would have gotten jealous? Or was I so insignificant enough that you couldn’t be bothered to tell me? For years you haven’t told me important news on which I’d have congratulated you, all the while telling me we were close and you appreciated me.

I know the truth, and not just parts of it. I’m not in love with you, but I could fall in love if you gave me the chance; you’re in love with her; we could never have been something; and your number one talent is blowing air up my ass to get me to do things no one wants to do.

And I let you use me like this, because when I am face to face with you, I cannot say no.

June 28, 2021

Space Travel V: Waiting

Planet after planet, all more appealing yet less inviting than the previous. The turquoise and lime cut off communication. Later on, a yellow and purple planet, much unlike any I’ve ever landed on before yet welcoming all the same, invited another space craft before mine had time to land.

An internal emergency provoked a hiatus, during which finding a forever home was the last thing on my mind. Almost a year later, a crash landing on an inviting planet healing from natural disasters shed light on a perfect fit, but the landing dock disengaged my ship. Communications from the planet went silent for several months for self-preservation from a widespread virus.

When communications reopened, an invite to land was just moments away. The locals were inviting, curious, open. But the invite always felt moments away, then the moments turned into days, weeks, months. Perhaps an invite was never coming. And it left me thinking about the last home I had.

Luscious, haunted forests; clear, bottomless waters; majestic, unsettling mountains; bright, deceiving days; dark, mysterious nights. Despite starving me, it will always be one I’ll want to revisit. Not even a perfect fit can distract me from that.

June 16, 2012

New Year, New Me, New Website

2020 was the stupidest year I’ve ever experienced. On top of everything going on globally and nation-wide, I lost my cat, had a hysterectomy, lost the position at work I worked really hard for, and had a legitimate mental breakdown almost daily. It was a rough year, but I survived, and now I’m stronger. I’m taking steps to make things better for myself. I’m on new medication, I’m seeing a therapist who I think will be a good match, and I’m back where I belong at work. (Not at the position I want, but I’m confident I will get there with time and patience.)

With the new medication comes feeling good and having energy and inspiration to do things, and one of those things is refreshing my website. I’ve half-assed it over the years, but we’re doing it this time. It’s going to look great. We just have to get there.

So, in the meantime, please bear with me if you come here and it looks broken or it’s hard to read. I probably had to go to bed so I could function the next day, so I had to leave the site where it was. I’ll make a post when it’s done.


Jaw clenching, teeth grinding, heart racing
Panicking, stressing, screaming, pacing
Green calms, green distracts
Stops any irreversible acts

Tears streaming, you’re screaming
Falling, crawling, balling, calling
Clear soothes, clear numbs
Takes away the beating drums

March 19, 2021


For Jordan

Never forget who you are
Where you’re from
What you’ve done

You’re soaring high
Going so far
Going faster
Than a speeding car
You’ll master all
Like an avatar
You’re straight up
A shooting star

Shining brighter
Than the sun

March 9, 2021

The Dark

You were mid-war against the dark when I met you. Despite all the light I saw in you, I only brought out the worst. You possessed the strength and will to find the safe ground between the dark and light. I did to you what I do to everyone who gets too close.

I aimed to be good, but the light bored me. The dark was exciting and I could control it. While others were consumed by the power that came with the dark, I ignored that lust. I could because instead of walling the light inside off from myself, I only hid it from others.

Bending the dark as I wished carried its price. I didn’t let the power fuel a rage to keep me going. I had to find my own way to not slip into the black hole. I’d pull someone close and introduce them to the dark. Things only decay in the dark, and I thrived on that pain.

You were different. You already knew the dark and loved it. We had fun with that but you lost the war.

I regret all of it: you, me, what we did. You meant the world to me. I should have protected you from me. This is all my fault and now I pay the price.

March 2020

It Starts Somewhere

Emptiness, loneliness, hopelessness, a self-loathing darkness
The feelings that must lead a damaged soul to over-indulge
To become consumed by the black hole of euphoria
That was invited in to drown the pain, the sorrow, the despair

Inhale deeply once more
Exhale the key to euphoria
Ignore the fear washing over

March 30, 2020

Cease Denial

Burning bright
                Keep it hidden
Pounding of a drum
                Hush it now
Perpetual occupation
                Force it out
Stolen property
                Feign ignorance

Illusion of safety
                Accept reality

June 1, 2019

New Sparks

New interest, new inspiration, new pieces. This new spark is to blame for a poem and a micro fiction that I personally quite like. Even if nothing amounts from this, at least some good art came from it, haha.

Space Travel IV: Repeating History

History seems to repeat itself. I found myself again orbiting the green and blue planet hidden by the red atmosphere. I explained to the still hidden yet communicative inhabitants that I wasn’t to blame for the quake, and we seemed to be on the same page. While exploring the planet, searching for the docking station I was told was nearby, I noticed I was taking subtle amounts of damage. Once I discovered the cause was the inhabitants, I immediately fled, expending extra fuel to fight the planet’s strong gravity.

The only way I was able escape the orbit of the green and blue planet was by entering the orbit of a planet in the far east, with turquoise waters and lime-colored forests. These planets accept a wide variety of spacecraft models, including mine. I’ve already decided I want to land before receiving the first transmission from the planet.

May 2019