I Am

I am…
 a friend,
 a cousin,
 a cat-owner,
 a shovel,
 a blonde,
 a granddaughter,
 a student,
 a spazz,
 a writer,
 a daughter,
 an anime-lover,
 a third musketeer,
 a reader,
 a niece.
I want to be…
 an illegal alien immigrant from Venus,
 a moon rock,
 a bug,
 an actual shovel,
 a vampire,
 and everything else above.
I am me.
I want to be me.

2007

An Alien with AIDS

I don’t understand why I’m treated this way
Like a diseased alien, or someone with AIDS
I’m just as normal as anyone else in this world
I have a heart, I have feelings, I have thoughts
I know what people mean when they do and say things
What I don’t understand is why
Why they would judge me and treat me like an outcast
Like I’m a freaking alien with AIDS or something
Or why they treat me like I don’t have feelings
Because when people do things, it does hurt
Though no one really stops and thinks about how
They’ve all shattered my self-confidence
Of course I realize I over-generalize
Of course I know not every person is this way
There are those out there that have never judged me
Who have treated me like a human like everyone else
Who have given me a chance to be their best friend
But after being rejected as a human so many times
It’s hard not to just assume and expect the worse

2009

Don’t Want to Lose Any More

For Nick and my friends

As a child, I had a best friend, we were inseparable
I loved him with all my heart, but only as a brother
We grew up together since kindergarten
We played games, rode bikes, played ball, swam, shared secrets
We were always there for each other, helped in times of need
We argued, fought, ignored, walked away angry, but always made up
How could a friendship this strong have disappeared overnight?
I swore to myself, as a child, that I’d never lose him
I’d call him every day, I’d visit him every possible time
I’d always be his very best friend, and he’d be mine
It was a promise, something I thought I’d live by
Something that held back both of our tears when we swore it
But when I moved, things changed; I broke my promise; I lost him

As a senior in high school, I have my best friends
I love them from the bottom of my heart, as my sisters
I need them, they’re there for me, they need me, I’m there for them
We share our worlds with each other, we pour our hearts into each other
We laugh at, laugh with, pick on, and love each other
We argue, we fight, we ignore, we gossip, we hate, but in the end, we make up
They’re my world, and I’m part of their worlds, I’ll never forget them
I’m making a promise, as a graduating senior, that I’ll never lose them
I’ll call them every week, IM them every day, text them every hour
I’ll visit on Homecoming, every holiday, every birthday, every vacation
I’ll never lose them, I’ll never forget them, and they’ll be my friends forever
I’m making this promise, I swear by it, and I’ll live by it… or so I hope

As a child, I tried making this promise once, I tried to live by this
But obviously, as my heart tells me every moment, I lied to both of us
I’ve lost him, lost every strand of friendship I wove into us
I broke that part of my heart, I’ve destroyed the connection I had with childhood
What I’ve done to him, I’ll never know
What I’ll do to my friends now, I’ll never know
I’ll lose them, I’ll never forget them, but I’ll never know them again like I do now
I’ll destroy any connection to this part of my life, I’ll break this part of my heart
I don’t want to believe this’ll happen, but how can I make this promise
When already, once, I broke it?
I’m doomed as a ‘Best Friend Forever’
It’s just not something my mind can handle, apparently
And for this, I am sorry to all I may hurt in the process

December 30, 2009

It’s a Cycle

For Nick

My life has become a cycle
It started after I moved
The first couple years,
They were easy, just fine
It was when I grew up
That the pain settled
It starts with a dream,
One of us meeting again,
One of us laughing again
And when I wake, it hurts
I come to the realization
That it’ll never happen
Not now, it’s been too long
Then, for a week, I mope
I get depressed, wishing
That I could talk to him
Just once more, a conversation
But I try to call, email, visit
But something goes wrong
He’s not home to pick up the phone
He changed email addresses
He moved and I don’t know where to
I wonder if he knows how much it hurts
How much I just want to see him again
I miss the brother of my childhood
And after this whole pain goes away
About a week after the dream
I’m fine, but just for a few months
I have another dream, and it gets worse

May 25, 2010

Will I?

I was born different than the rest of you
I wasn’t completely developed, and because of this
I’ve had too many surgeries to count
Even though this problem was “corrected”
The damn thing manages to keep ruining my life
If this damn thing doesn’t stop and leave me alone
I think I might just go insane and shoot myself
I can’t take the pain anymore, those feelings
It’s just too much, and I’m so sick of it
Will it ever go away? Will I ever be normal?

June 15, 2010

Summer Vacation

Summer vacation:
It feels so great!
Doing nothing…
What’s the date?
Staying up all night,
Sleeping all day.
This is the life!
I’ll show ya the way.
Got no worries,
Not a care.
Make me work,
It’s a dare!
I may get bored,
But please don’t end!
Summer vacation:
You’re my best friend.

July 4, 2010