Do You Remember?

Do you remember when we met?
Fate hit your car which caused you to hit mine
I was calm the entire time
Because you were there
I didn’t know you yet but you were already calming me
Bringing me to a place where I can shed the armor
Drawing me in and making me smile
I didn’t know you yet, but I was falling in love

Do you remember when we first kissed?
That was the moment I knew I loved you
I kept that to myself for a while
I still barely knew you, but the hours together felt like years
Your touch was warming and exciting
Your lips were soft, and your kiss was gentle yet demanding
Your embrace brought me to a place where nothing else existed
I still barely knew you, but I was yours

Do you remember when we first made love?
That was also the first time I told you ‘I love you’
We had talked about you not being able to say it
So I wasn’t expecting it back
I wasn’t even expecting it from myself
I knew you well enough, and you had me hooked
The way you couldn’t commit to me, despite seeing no one else
You made up in actions what you couldn’t say in words
I knew you well enough, and I loved every inch of you

Do you remember when we first broke up?
You told me this was becoming too serious,
That I would grow tired of your lack of commitment
You called it a preemptive strike
I knew you better than myself, but you pushed me away
I begged you to reconsider, that you were making a mistake
I promised I would be okay with your commitment issues,
That I loved our relationship and you, exactly the way you are
I knew you better than myself, but you shattered my heart

Do you remember when we first got back together?
You realized what I meant to you, and I took you back instantly
My lack of hesitation took you off guard, overwhelmed you
In a “I don’t deserve her” kind of way, but you’re wrong
I love you more than I love myself, and I hope it shows
I always felt like I didn’t deserve someone as perfect as you
Your actions always spoke louder than words could ever
I love you more than I love myself, and I know it’s mutual

August 17, 2021

Coping

Jaw clenching, teeth grinding, heart racing
Panicking, stressing, screaming, pacing
Green calms, green distracts
Stops any irreversible acts

Tears streaming, you’re screaming
Falling, crawling, balling, calling
Clear soothes, clear numbs
Takes away the beating drums

March 19, 2021

You

For Jordan

Never forget who you are
Where you’re from
What you’ve done

You’re soaring high
Going so far
Going faster
Than a speeding car
You’ll master all
Like an avatar
You’re straight up
A shooting star

Shining brighter
Than the sun

March 9, 2021

It Starts Somewhere

Emptiness, loneliness, hopelessness, a self-loathing darkness
The feelings that must lead a damaged soul to over-indulge
To become consumed by the black hole of euphoria
That was invited in to drown the pain, the sorrow, the despair

Inhale deeply once more
Exhale the key to euphoria
Ignore the fear washing over

March 30, 2020

Cease Denial

Burning bright
                Keep it hidden
Pounding of a drum
                Hush it now
Perpetual occupation
                Force it out
Stolen property
                Feign ignorance


Illusion of safety
                Accept reality

June 1, 2019

Patience

Hold me close
Hold me close, let me in
I know what I want
I won’t stop until it’s mine
You’re on the defense
I’m patient and persistent

Be patient and I’ll let you in
Help me find the doors
Hidden, unlocked, untouched
To get past each wall
I play offense and defense

June 1, 2019

Why Aren’t You Here

For Grammy

You were always full of life and so enthusiastic about everything
You saw the best in everyone and turned anything bad into good
Anything you did, you poured your heart into until it was your absolute best
Anyone who knew you loved you and you cared about everyone
You would give the shirt off your back if it would save someone’s life
Every second spent with you was filled with warmth and fun and awe
You meant everything to me and I let too much time just go by
I took advantage of the fact that you were always there, anytime, anywhere
Once in a while I have to remind myself that you’re actually gone
I never thought that day would come, and I was so unprepared
Writing in the past tense seems impossible even years later

February 5, 2019

Oh, the Bean

For Stephanie

Desire to capture essence while escaping cliché
Not of blood or kin or time or proximity
Yet unknowing of the heart possessed
Experienced and damaged and pure and innocent
Wild and imaginative and thoughtful and deep
Scared and wistful and protected and guarded
There, an enigma surrounded by pain and anger
Here, a landing surrounded by safety and comfort
Delving deeper into potential danger and darkness
Yet providing that which wants to be more
Wishing to shelter from all that harms
Longing to heal all that is broken

October 21, 2017

Influences

Who do I have to thank for being the way that I am?
Do I look to you and your inability to love?
You were the first to make me feel not good enough
Others tell stories of how you stepped up for them
When she found out about me, you were there for her
You might have even been there more than her mother
But when it came to me, you were painfully elusive
Your counterpart showed me what you should have been
I blamed myself for lacking with you what I had with her
I blamed myself because everyone else had that with you
With age comes wisdom, but time has healed little

Or do I look to him and his involuntary absence?
Adolescence created such a rift between us
Sometimes one that felt beyond irreparable
During that time, I felt completely alone
Couple that with the fact that he was gone too often
Was I deprived of some necessary nurturing
Which has lead to a void I am desperate to fill?

June 16, 2017