You were always full of life and so enthusiastic about everything
You saw the best in everyone and turned anything bad into good
Anything you did, you poured your heart into until it was your absolute best
Anyone who knew you loved you and you cared about everyone
You would give the shirt off your back if it would save someone’s life
Every second spent with you was filled with warmth and fun and awe
You meant everything to me and I let too much time just go by
I took advantage of the fact that you were always there, anytime, anywhere
Once in a while I have to remind myself that you’re actually gone
I never thought that day would come, and I was so unprepared
Writing in the past tense seems impossible even years later
February 5, 2019
You lied to my face–twice
How was I supposed to react?
You repeated bad habits
After I vouched for you
How am I supposed to feel?
We can’t be friends like this
But you are who you are to me
How could I let that go?
January 13, 2019
Desire to capture essence while escaping cliché
Not of blood or kin or time or proximity
Yet unknowing of the heart possessed
Experienced and damaged and pure and innocent
Wild and imaginative and thoughtful and deep
Scared and wistful and protected and guarded
There, an enigma surrounded by pain and anger
Here, a landing surrounded by safety and comfort
Delving deeper into potential danger and darkness
Yet providing that which wants to be more
Wishing to shelter from all that harms
Longing to heal all that is broken
October 21, 2017
Who do I have to thank for being the way that I am?
Do I look to you and your inability to love?
You were the first to make me feel not good enough
Others tell stories of how you stepped up for them
When she found out about me, you were there for her
You might have even been there more than her mother
But when it came to me, you were painfully elusive
Your counterpart showed me what you should have been
I blamed myself for lacking with you what I had with her
I blamed myself because everyone else had that with you
With age comes wisdom, but time has healed little
Or do I look to him and his involuntary absence?
Adolescence created such a rift between us
Sometimes one that felt beyond irreparable
During that time, I felt completely alone
Couple that with the fact that he was gone too often
Was I deprived of some necessary nurturing
Which has lead to a void I am desperate to fill?
June 16, 2017
I know you will never abandon what is yours
But I still dream that maybe we can share
What I want to believe I cherish more
I hear the words that I should heed
But all sense of reality is thrown aside
Because this is what I need to survive
Stupidity, desperation, anxiety, aggravation
Nothing is a mystery, everything is known
Still I hear only what I want to hear
May 18, 2017
I want to scream until tears pour from my blood-shot eyes
But I don’t want to open my mouth
I want to tug at my hair until my skin rips from my scalp
But I don’t want to move a muscle
I want to take a knife to every living human I’ve met
But I don’t want to hurt anyone
I want to dive off a cliff and never come up for air
But I don’t want to die
I can feel these emotions surging through my viens
But I feel nothing
I feel like it’s clawing to escape a meta-physical prison
But I feel completely at ease
I feel like I’m a ticking time bomb
But I feel like I have control
March 31, 2014
Anything worth having has to be fought for
But what is worth having?
You know something is wrong
Should you fight for it?
Age grows with time
So will it turn right?
It’s possible to be too late
Fight now or fight later?
True love will never fade
How do you know what’s true?
July 22, 2017
Love, should you fight?
Time, can it be right?
Miles, can it thrive?
Years, can it survive?
Hard, should you try?
Easy, would it die?
July 22, 2014
of each other
inside and out
Open your heart to me
you have every bit of mine
and I don’t want it back
Vanquish every doubt we have
I have a feeling this
is for forever
Elevate each other
to new heights
places we never thought
August 13, 2014
In a place claimed
There is something
Not caused by you
I know I should end it
because I tell myself
that I don’t
want it anymore
when I think about
actually doing it
I find I cannot
I say it all day, everyday
Am I telling you, or myself?
We both have our doubts
For different reasons
December 14, 2014