Oh, the Bean

For Stephanie

Desire to capture essence while escaping cliché
Not of blood or kin or time or proximity
Yet unknowing of the heart possessed
Experienced and damaged and pure and innocent
Wild and imaginative and thoughtful and deep
Scared and wistful and protected and guarded
There, an enigma surrounded by pain and anger
Here, a landing surrounded by safety and comfort
Delving deeper into potential danger and darkness
Yet providing that which wants to be more
Wishing to shelter from all that harms
Longing to heal all that is broken

October 21, 2017

Influences

Who do I have to thank for being the way that I am?
Do I look to you and your inability to love?
You were the first to make me feel not good enough
Others tell stories of how you stepped up for them
When she found out about me, you were there for her
You might have even been there more than her mother
But when it came to me, you were painfully elusive
Your counterpart showed me what you should have been
I blamed myself for lacking with you what I had with her
I blamed myself because everyone else had that with you
With age comes wisdom, but time has healed little

Or do I look to him and his involuntary absence?
Adolescence created such a rift between us
Sometimes one that felt beyond irreparable
During that time, I felt completely alone
Couple that with the fact that he was gone too often
Was I deprived of some necessary nurturing
Which has lead to a void I am desperate to fill?

June 16, 2017

A Poem You’ll Never Want to Read

I know you will never abandon what is yours
But I still dream that maybe we can share
What I want to believe I cherish more

I hear the words that I should heed
But all sense of reality is thrown aside
Because this is what I need to survive

Stupidity, desperation, anxiety, aggravation
Nothing is a mystery, everything is known
Still I hear only what I want to hear

May 18, 2017

I Want to But I Don’t

I want to scream until tears pour from my blood-shot eyes
But I don’t want to open my mouth
I want to tug at my hair until my skin rips from my scalp
But I don’t want to move a muscle
I want to take a knife to every living human I’ve met
But I don’t want to hurt anyone
I want to dive off a cliff and never come up for air
But I don’t want to die

I can feel these emotions surging through my viens
But I feel nothing
I feel like it’s clawing to escape a meta-physical prison
But I feel completely at ease
I feel like I’m a ticking time bomb
But I feel like I have control

March 31, 2014

L.O.V.E.

Let’s explore
every centimeter
of each other
inside and out

Open your heart to me
you have every bit of mine
and I don’t want it back

Vanquish every doubt we have
I have a feeling this
is for forever

Elevate each other
to new heights
places we never thought
existed

August 13, 2014

Take This and Do With It What You Will

I

In a place claimed
There is something
Not caused by you

II

I know I should end it
because I tell myself
every day
that I don’t
want it anymore
but
when I think about
actually doing it
I find I cannot
because
I actually
do
love you.

III

I say it all day, everyday
Am I telling you, or myself?
We both have our doubts
For different reasons

December 14, 2014