Again I Didn’t Need It; I Wanted Another

Yet again, I purchased something that I didn’t really need. I spent my tax refund partially on a Chromebook. And Asus Chromebook Flip C101PA-DB02. Why do I keep buying useless things I don’t need? How many computers do I really need? Well, I have the pink one that’s really old. I have the red one that replaced it. Then there was the forty-five dollar one on clearance that I got a couple summers ago, and then the silver laptop I got last year with my tax refund. And I have a tablet that my dad got with his phone that I pretend to turn on occasionally. And now I have this Chromebook. Yes, I have too many electronics and I get a lot of shit for it but I enjoy new devices and I work hard for it.

SiteGround!

I have finally migrated my website to a new host: SiteGround. I’m pleased so far. As far as I can tell, it’s significantly better than GoDaddy. My domain is still registered through GoDaddy, but I’ve had no problems with that. Only their hosting.

So, this blog that you’re viewing is no longer located at lizzylee.net/blog, it’s just the default homepage in the root folder. Whoop!

Oh, the Bean

For Stephanie

Desire to capture essence while escaping cliché
Not of blood or kin or time or proximity
Yet unknowing of the heart possessed
Experienced and damaged and pure and innocent
Wild and imaginative and thoughtful and deep
Scared and wistful and protected and guarded
There, an enigma surrounded by pain and anger
Here, a landing surrounded by safety and comfort
Delving deeper into potential danger and darkness
Yet providing that which wants to be more
Wishing to shelter from all that harms
Longing to heal all that is broken

October 21, 2017

Poem Spam Complete

I have finally posted all my previous poetry to this blog now. A good ninety percent of it is shit, but there are a few diamonds in the rough that I’m proud of. I’ve posted everything so you can see how I’ve grown, or how someone can go from writing beautifully one day to writing like crap the next, or because I just can! If I had to choose only the ones I liked, I might be missing out on one that someone else might personally enjoy, or maybe I’d only post the really bad ones and no one would see the actual good ones. So, I’ve posted all, with the exception of a few that I wish would just burn in hell, haha. Enjoy.

What a Day

There’s no better way to realize how rough your life was at a certain point than to read the overwhelmingly depressing poetry you crafted at that time. A lot of makes me want to go back in time and smack younger me. I was so pathetic when it came to boys. I fell head-over-heels so damn quickly, and I thought each and every one was the one, my one true love. Not that I’m awfully different now, but at least I have more of a stable head on my shoulders. At least I’m not as depressed now as I was then.

I do want to make it known that without my friends and family, I wouldn’t have made it through that time in my life. My friends were my rocks, and my parents were the safety net that I could always fall into if I lost my balance. I knew that then, and I know that now. So, just a low-key shout-out to everyone in my life then and now. There’s not a thing I wouldn’t do for them, and I hope they know that.

Space Travel

From afar, the sun is impressive as it burns bright millions of miles away. I tried to land on it, but ultimately it was a giant ball of gas that burned the spacecraft. I don’t know what else I was expecting. I rebuilt my ship and set out again with limited resources, granting flight to one of two planets. I could fly to the west and land on a planet that welcomes travelers. It’s rough terrain and maybe not that interesting, but likely the safer choice. Or I could set sail for the east, in the direction of a planet that is leagues above that which lies in the west. It’s atmosphere isn’t the greatest for inhabiting, but the nature is breathtaking. The docking station accepted travelers once before, but it’s unknown if currently it remains open. My navigation has set itself toward the east; I’m not sure if I should conduct a manual override or take my chances.

October 2017

GoDaddy

Am I the only one who isn’t fond of GoDaddy’s hosting service? I guess there’s only one real complaint I have, but it’s one that they haven’t fixed for years: WordPress blogs hosted with them are ridiculously slow. I’m so irritated that I’ve spent the past ten years hosting with them. All that money means nothing to them? This Christmas, when my plan is up, I’m hoping to switch to SiteGround. Since it’s my parents who pay for this website (as a recurring Christmas gift), it’s up to them. Had I the resources to pay for this on my own, I’d make the switch automatically. But it’s currently out of my hands, unfortunately. Fingers crossed my father agrees with my decision! Then I’ll actually be able to update this site as I’d like to. Because right now, the only thing stopping me from developing this site is the irritatingly slow page load times.

Inspiration!

After finishing season one of Riverdale, which was absolutely amazing, I’ve found inspiration to write again. Watching the show sparked an idea that I’ve played with for the past several years, and I’m revisiting it, but actually writing it down this time. It feels amazing to write again, and to write something I feel passionate about. The feelings actually feel genuine, and I’ve thought the story through so often that it’s flushed out enough to the point where it’s easy to write. God, this really is such a perfect feeling.

Thank you, Riverdale. And thank you, Cole Sprouse. His character, him as an actor, is what sparked this inspiration. Well, him and his brother Dylan. Okay. Particularly Dylan. He’s the namesake of one of my characters, actually. Even though I’ve used that name before. I changed the last name! Haha. I just love the name Dylan.

Regardless, expect to see a new story soon. Hopefully I finish it in the not too distant future!

Depression

I’m pretty sure I suffer from some form of depression and/or anxiety. I’ve previously been diagnosed with dysthymia, which is a chronic form of depression. The way it was explained to me is if depression is a wildfire that can be seen from the helicopters from high above, raging and so obviously destructive and hard to control, then dysthymia is a brush fire, something not so easily seen but still damaging when left unattended. And I definitely have some anxiety. I get so overwhelmed by everything I have to do on a daily basis, such as basic household chores and checking the mail or voicemail, that I freeze. I avoid it. Even bigger things, like checking my bank account or renewing my insurance, I freak out over. It’s not that I can’t handle it. Sometimes it’s as easy as just clicking a button. But the more I think about how I have to get it done, the harder it is to do it. And it’s not like I can get help, because that requires doing something, and even when I go to make that phone call, I freeze.

But the one thing I can do is get up and go to work every day. I don’t know why that isn’t a hard enough function, but it isn’t. You would think that if anything, that would be one of the hardest things. But no. It’s harder to check my voicemail, something I can do from my bed, than actually get out and go do work. Maybe it’s because I don’t hate my job. It can feel stressful in the moment, but as soon as I clock out, I’m fine. Everything rolls off my shoulder. I don’t wake up every morning with anxiety about the day like I did with my previous job. Sometimes, I actually love what I do. I hate the store, I hate management, but I love my job. So maybe that’s why I’m able to get up and go to work when even washing a dish seems like an impossible task.

So maybe I don’t understand this because I like my job and I’m not severely depressed, but I can’t understand how people let their depression hold them from working. Someone close to me has been out of work for the past month because he needed to take a mental break from everything. So now he’s living off his mommy’s money while he just sits on his couch, playing Xbox and Runescape all day. And he doesn’t even live at home. And this isn’t the first time he’s done this. And he’s not the first person in history to do this. Maybe it’s a good thing I don’t understand how someone could do this, because it means I’m not at that point where I can’t even provide for myself. And even though I have a hard time doing anything, it eventually gets done when the anxiety of the repercussions of it not getting done trumps the anxiety of actually doing it. I always eventually get to that point. So maybe I’m just lucky that I can work things out on my own, and that my depression isn’t as bad as it could be. And it’s not that I’m judging everyone else. I know everyone’s got different shit in their lives and their minds aren’t the same as mine. I think maybe my problem is that while I understand that fact, I’m not entirely able to fully see things from their perspective.