New Year, New Me, New Website

2020 was the stupidest year I’ve ever experienced. On top of everything going on globally and nation-wide, I lost my cat, had a hysterectomy, lost the position at work I worked really hard for, and had a legitimate mental breakdown almost daily. It was a rough year, but I survived, and now I’m stronger. I’m taking steps to make things better for myself. I’m on new medication, I’m seeing a therapist who I think will be a good match, and I’m back where I belong at work. (Not at the position I want, but I’m confident I will get there with time and patience.)

With the new medication comes feeling good and having energy and inspiration to do things, and one of those things is refreshing my website. I’ve half-assed it over the years, but we’re doing it this time. It’s going to look great. We just have to get there.

So, in the meantime, please bear with me if you come here and it looks broken or it’s hard to read. I probably had to go to bed so I could function the next day, so I had to leave the site where it was. I’ll make a post when it’s done.

Coping

Jaw clenching, teeth grinding, heart racing
Panicking, stressing, screaming, pacing
Green calms, green distracts
Stops any irreversible acts

Tears streaming, you’re screaming
Falling, crawling, balling, calling
Clear soothes, clear numbs
Takes away the beating drums

March 19, 2021

You

For Jordan

Never forget who you are
Where you’re from
What you’ve done

You’re soaring high
Going so far
Going faster
Than a speeding car
You’ll master all
Like an avatar
You’re straight up
A shooting star

Shining brighter
Than the sun

March 9, 2021

The Dark

You were mid-war against the dark when I met you. Despite all the light I saw in you, I only brought out the worst. You possessed the strength and will to find the safe ground between the dark and light. I did to you what I do to everyone who gets too close.

I aimed to be good, but the light bored me. The dark was exciting and I could control it. While others were consumed by the power that came with the dark, I ignored that lust. I could because instead of walling the light inside off from myself, I only hid it from others.

Bending the dark as I wished carried its price. I didn’t let the power fuel a rage to kept me going. I had to find my own way to not slip into the black hole. I’d pull someone close and introduce them to the dark. Things only decay in the dark, and I thrived on that pain.

You were different. You already knew the dark and loved it. We had fun with that but you lost the war.

I regret all of it: you, me, what we did. You meant the world to me. I should have protected you from me. This is all my fault and now I pay the price.

March 2020

It Starts Somewhere

Emptiness, loneliness, hopelessness, a self-loathing darkness
The feelings that must lead a damaged soul to over-indulge
To become consumed by the black hole of euphoria
That was invited in to drown the pain, the sorrow, the despair

Inhale deeply once more
Exhale the key to euphoria
Ignore the fear washing over

March 30, 2020

Cease Denial

Burning bright
                Keep it hidden
Pounding of a drum
                Hush it now
Perpetual occupation
                Force it out
Stolen property
                Feign ignorance


Illusion of safety
                Accept reality

June 1, 2019

New Sparks

New interest, new inspiration, new pieces. This new spark is to blame for a poem and a micro fiction that I personally quite like. Even if nothing amounts from this, at least some good art came from it, haha.

Space Travel IV: Repeating History

History seems to repeat itself. I found myself again orbiting the green and blue planet hidden by the red atmosphere. I explained to the still hidden yet communicative inhabitants that I wasn’t to blame for the quake, and we seemed to be on the same page. While exploring the planet, searching for the docking station I was told was nearby, I noticed I was taking subtle amounts of damage. Once I discovered the cause was the inhabitants, I immediately fled, expending extra fuel to fight the planet’s strong gravity.

The only way I was able escape the orbit of the green and blue planet was by entering the orbit of a planet in the far east, with turquoise waters and lime-colored forests. These planets accept a wide variety of spacecraft models, including mine. I’ve already decided I want to land before receiving the first transmission from the planet.

May 2019

Patience

Hold me close
Hold me close, let me in
I know what I want
I won’t stop until it’s mine
You’re on the defense
I’m patient and persistent

Be patient and I’ll let you in
Help me find the doors
Hidden, unlocked, untouched
To get past each wall
I play offense and defense

June 1, 2019

Why Aren’t You Here

For Grammy

You were always full of life and so enthusiastic about everything
You saw the best in everyone and turned anything bad into good
Anything you did, you poured your heart into until it was your absolute best
Anyone who knew you loved you and you cared about everyone
You would give the shirt off your back if it would save someone’s life
Every second spent with you was filled with warmth and fun and awe
You meant everything to me and I let too much time just go by
I took advantage of the fact that you were always there, anytime, anywhere
Once in a while I have to remind myself that you’re actually gone
I never thought that day would come, and I was so unprepared
Writing in the past tense seems impossible even years later

February 5, 2019